Trees and flowers are confused.

Since the weather has been crazy, and after the long winter it seems like we skipped spring and went to summer earlier,
The trees and flowers look confused…

They want to bloom and show beautiful greens,
but they are hesitating to do so.
Maybe they are afraid that cold days may suddenly come back again.

I am like them now.
Being afraid of being hurt again.

Of course I wanna feel happy.
Of course I wanna scream that I am so happy right now.

But at the same time,
Something is stopping me from doing that.

I think “fear” that I got from my past relationship experience must be causing this.

I thought about many things on the bed last night.
As some songs’ lyrics go,
What’s the point of building up just yo tear it all down….?

I wanna be ok without him.
I wanna be strong enough so that when the time that we realize it’s not gonna work comes, I would be alright.

I know that I am crazy and it’s sad to think that this is not gonna work anyway,
but I can’t help it.

I know he is getting tired of me acting like this.
And I always go back to him at the end.

I gotta stop this.
All or nothing.  Gotta make the decision soon.

Confused trees and flowers…
I feel you.

Thoughts from thinking-too-much phase

Sometimes, my mind suddenly becomes aware,

and it tells me what I should do or what I imagine I should do for the situation.

 

It may tell me something that I don’t want to admit,

or that I won’t particularly like to do,

but my mind starts trying to make me believe that it’s a right thing to do.

 

Then,

I begin to make things more complicated or difficult

since, I guess, I have been that way since I was small.

 

Sometime, I think I am not good at being or staying happy.

But at the same time, I believe that I always put myself into the situation where I know it’s not gonna work

but I want to believe that it would work…

 

But the reality is what it is.

At the end, you can’t change what you can’t change.

 

Here I am. Woke up at 3 AM.

With no reason. Typing these words.

 

I am not upset with anybody.

I am just upset with myself.

For being like this for so long.

 

When will I be able to stop doing this?

When will I be able to stop thinking too much?

 

I don’t know.

 

but one thing….

I am honest with myself.