If we are both right…

I’ve been shut down so many times.
And he blames me for being afraid to express my feeling.

According to him,
every time I open my mouth,
I say something that I made up.

After hearing him saying that so many times,
how come can I feel free to express my feelings?

If we both already know that this relationship is not going to work,
why can’t we move on?
why do we keep having the arguments that do not have the ending?

We are both right about what we are feeling,
then why can’t we agree that we have different way of thinking?

We are both right about what the other person has done,
then why can’t we agree that we have different value?

and move on….?

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But yet….

So…. it is important to express my feelings and emotions to someone I love.
Yes… I get it. but what is the point of expressing it even though I already know that the expression doesn’t change anything or make things better…?

This is the feeling I have had so many times.
But yet, if I chose not to express because I care, it is judged as a failure on communication and my lack of ability to express or face my emotions and feelings.

And here I am, trying not to shed tears even though I am extremely disappointed and sad.

It is said that if you really want something,
you should visualize it and work hard for it, then eventually you will get what you want.
Honestly, I don’t know about that at this moment…

Man, I was doing better on staying positive.
but yet, here I am, repeating this emotional fight in my head over and over again.

Do not avoid feeling your feelings

I had another big fight with my boyfriend the other day.
After yelling at him for some time, he told me this:

“You are afraid of having feelings.
It is easier to get mad and upset than dealing with the feelings.
You just have feelings.  You should not avoid feeling them.
Say what you are feeling.  Do not avoid facing them by getting angry and yelling at me.”

That struck me really good.

I couldn’t say anything back to him.
I just sat on the floor and thought about what he said.

The reason why I got upset this time is that I felt uncomfortable with not being about to express what I want.
He just told me to go to sleep, and he was doing some research on his laptop as usual.
I was laying down next to him, and I don’t know why, but I felt so angry.

So I just jumped off from the bed.

Then yelling started.

Of course I don’t like yelling at him.  I don’t like having arguments.
But this time, I really felt like I gotta fix this.

I still don’t know what “dealing with feelings” mean clearly.
I feel my feelings, but I don’t know how to deal with them.

But I will try to communicate my feelings with him better.
I will practice expressing what I want better.

Still lots to learn, I guess.

I Gotta Live for Myself

I’ve learned another thing about myself today.

I just looooooove getting attentions from people.
From friends, family, teachers, and bf… yeah from anybody really.

It’s really easy to see come to think of it.

The reason why I post anything on Facebook–> to get attention from people and want them to “care” about me.
The reason why I feel upset and sad when my bf tells me he wants to be alone–> because I can’t get enough attention from him and will feel alone.
The reason why I am not motivated to study–> because I feel like I am abounded by professors.

All these things…. how sad is that!?

I mean, I feel sad that I have been living to get all these attentions from people.
This means that I am not independent, I don’t love myself in the way I should, and I can’t satisfy myself without having anybody…

How sad is that….?!

Well…. again, I may be writing this to get attention from somebody.
But really…. I gotta change this part of me to be happier….
I really want to.

This will not be easy. And this will make me sad and cry.
But I really need to become independent in a real sence.

I can’t keep living by wanting the attentions from people.
People come and go.
I really gotta live for myself.

Live in the moment

I came across this quote today.

“Throw away all ambition beyond that of doing the day’s work well.  The travelers on the road to success live in the present, heedless of taking thought for the morrow.  Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day’s work absorb your entire energies.”

William Osler

Come to think of it, a lot of amount of my day is spent by thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering “what if” for tomorrow.

I have started to feel that it’s such a waste of time and energy.

“What can I do NOW?” is the question I didn’t think about much before,
but it really gives me a different perspective.

My bf is also the one who made me think about the similar key to live the life.
He has been on the road with his motorcycle for about a week right now, and he has enjoyed the beautiful nature outside.
Although he has a lot of things to think about and figure out for the future, I believe that it is important for him not to forget to live for the moment, too.

I don’t want to say/think that I am gonna pay for this if I live for the moment without thinking about what I am supposed to be doing now.
If you feel like you are ALWAYS trying to meet other people’s expectations towards your work,
you gonna get exhausted and lose your energy and motivation.

So I will refuse to do that.  At least while I can….. lol

Ok, let’s try to live in the moment today.  Will you join me?

Made a mistake, but I took care of it

Today started in good ways.

I got up earlier than usual.
I ate breakfast.
I started taking actions before thinking too much….

Then I came to do the grass cutting that I have been doing for my boss to make some money for summer.

Then…. I locked myself out from her house….  sigh…

Well I didn’t get panicked actually.
I just looked up the locksmith online and called.

20 mins until the locksmith will come help.
So… I continued cutting grass.  And done.

The locksmith came. I ended up paying $40…. sigh….

This is life.

But I am not dying.
I figured out what to do without being upset too much and crying about it.

Yup this $40 is not good for my finance right now but oh well, better than spend days outside.

I took care of it. And I am thankful that I could. 

Making Small Changes

For these past few days,
I have been feeling that it is so hard for me to focus on MYSELF.

It might sound weird but this is the reality.

I am amazed that how much I have ignored myself since… I don’t know when.
Well, I guess this started especially when I began dating with the bf with two kids.
I am not really blaming him or anything.  I am the one who decided to have this relationship even though I knew that it’s not gonna be easy.
But after all, this relationship has made me comfortable with avoiding to face MY reality, what I am supposed to be doing, and the reason why I came to the United States.

I don’t regret past 2 years that I spent with taking care of my love.
But it is sad to see myself  having difficult times to spend time alone without thinking negatively.

I have been reading lots of articles to learn how to stay positive.
Most of the articles say that it is important to love myself….  and you know, it’s surprising that it is HARD for me to do so.

It’s not like I hate how I look so much or anything like that.
But I do not like how I stay in the negative thoughts for so long and think too much before taking actions.

3 days ago, I came across with this book called Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take 5 Minutes or Less written by S. J. Scott.

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The book introduces the numbers of small changes that you can make within 30 mins.
I chose 5-7 5 mins activities to do as habits for everyday.

Drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning.
Take deep breaths outside for 5 mins.
Read a positive/inspiring passage.
Meditate for 5 mins.
Think about today’s schedule for 5 mins.
Write journal/blog everyday.

And I should say, I have been doing good job for these past 3 days.
I have not been able to get much things done academically, but I don’t regret that too much.
I could feel a little change in my motivation this morning.

I was motivated enough to start the laundry.
I was motivated enough to clean the sink in the bathroom.
I was motivated enough to fold the clothes.

Let’s be honest.
I still feel lonely without my bf who is enjoying the road trip alone,
and the angry feeling comes up in my mind many times.
I still don’t feel like hanging out with friends because I feel that they will want me to talk about the academic life and judge me.

But I am not going to let myself to be in the dark feeling place too long.

I will keep making small changes in my life,
and one day, I will love myself more.

well, I have already made a first step
because I love myself more than I did yesterday!