I Gotta Live for Myself

I’ve learned another thing about myself today.

I just looooooove getting attentions from people.
From friends, family, teachers, and bf… yeah from anybody really.

It’s really easy to see come to think of it.

The reason why I post anything on Facebook–> to get attention from people and want them to “care” about me.
The reason why I feel upset and sad when my bf tells me he wants to be alone–> because I can’t get enough attention from him and will feel alone.
The reason why I am not motivated to study–> because I feel like I am abounded by professors.

All these things…. how sad is that!?

I mean, I feel sad that I have been living to get all these attentions from people.
This means that I am not independent, I don’t love myself in the way I should, and I can’t satisfy myself without having anybody…

How sad is that….?!

Well…. again, I may be writing this to get attention from somebody.
But really…. I gotta change this part of me to be happier….
I really want to.

This will not be easy. And this will make me sad and cry.
But I really need to become independent in a real sence.

I can’t keep living by wanting the attentions from people.
People come and go.
I really gotta live for myself.

Live in the moment

I came across this quote today.

“Throw away all ambition beyond that of doing the day’s work well.  The travelers on the road to success live in the present, heedless of taking thought for the morrow.  Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day’s work absorb your entire energies.”

William Osler

Come to think of it, a lot of amount of my day is spent by thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering “what if” for tomorrow.

I have started to feel that it’s such a waste of time and energy.

“What can I do NOW?” is the question I didn’t think about much before,
but it really gives me a different perspective.

My bf is also the one who made me think about the similar key to live the life.
He has been on the road with his motorcycle for about a week right now, and he has enjoyed the beautiful nature outside.
Although he has a lot of things to think about and figure out for the future, I believe that it is important for him not to forget to live for the moment, too.

I don’t want to say/think that I am gonna pay for this if I live for the moment without thinking about what I am supposed to be doing now.
If you feel like you are ALWAYS trying to meet other people’s expectations towards your work,
you gonna get exhausted and lose your energy and motivation.

So I will refuse to do that.  At least while I can….. lol

Ok, let’s try to live in the moment today.  Will you join me?

Made a mistake, but I took care of it

Today started in good ways.

I got up earlier than usual.
I ate breakfast.
I started taking actions before thinking too much….

Then I came to do the grass cutting that I have been doing for my boss to make some money for summer.

Then…. I locked myself out from her house….  sigh…

Well I didn’t get panicked actually.
I just looked up the locksmith online and called.

20 mins until the locksmith will come help.
So… I continued cutting grass.  And done.

The locksmith came. I ended up paying $40…. sigh….

This is life.

But I am not dying.
I figured out what to do without being upset too much and crying about it.

Yup this $40 is not good for my finance right now but oh well, better than spend days outside.

I took care of it. And I am thankful that I could. 

Making Small Changes

For these past few days,
I have been feeling that it is so hard for me to focus on MYSELF.

It might sound weird but this is the reality.

I am amazed that how much I have ignored myself since… I don’t know when.
Well, I guess this started especially when I began dating with the bf with two kids.
I am not really blaming him or anything.  I am the one who decided to have this relationship even though I knew that it’s not gonna be easy.
But after all, this relationship has made me comfortable with avoiding to face MY reality, what I am supposed to be doing, and the reason why I came to the United States.

I don’t regret past 2 years that I spent with taking care of my love.
But it is sad to see myself  having difficult times to spend time alone without thinking negatively.

I have been reading lots of articles to learn how to stay positive.
Most of the articles say that it is important to love myself….  and you know, it’s surprising that it is HARD for me to do so.

It’s not like I hate how I look so much or anything like that.
But I do not like how I stay in the negative thoughts for so long and think too much before taking actions.

3 days ago, I came across with this book called Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take 5 Minutes or Less written by S. J. Scott.

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The book introduces the numbers of small changes that you can make within 30 mins.
I chose 5-7 5 mins activities to do as habits for everyday.

Drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning.
Take deep breaths outside for 5 mins.
Read a positive/inspiring passage.
Meditate for 5 mins.
Think about today’s schedule for 5 mins.
Write journal/blog everyday.

And I should say, I have been doing good job for these past 3 days.
I have not been able to get much things done academically, but I don’t regret that too much.
I could feel a little change in my motivation this morning.

I was motivated enough to start the laundry.
I was motivated enough to clean the sink in the bathroom.
I was motivated enough to fold the clothes.

Let’s be honest.
I still feel lonely without my bf who is enjoying the road trip alone,
and the angry feeling comes up in my mind many times.
I still don’t feel like hanging out with friends because I feel that they will want me to talk about the academic life and judge me.

But I am not going to let myself to be in the dark feeling place too long.

I will keep making small changes in my life,
and one day, I will love myself more.

well, I have already made a first step
because I love myself more than I did yesterday!

At Least

What I am feeling this afternoon….. hmmmm….

I couldn’t sleep again last night.  Well at least right away.
I tried not to have negative emotions and feelings in my head because I know that these thoughts will prevent me from sleeping well.
Did I succeed? well, I am not sure about that.

I felt like everybody else is having a great summer.
I felt like nobody cares about me being in a bad mood and struggling.

Then again, nobody is living their life FOR ME.
There is no way that they ALWAYS think about me.  Literally ALWAYS. no way.

I felt upset about the fact that my bf is having a blast on the road trip with his motorcycle.
I always try to find something that I can be upset about, and obviously that’s not a good habit.

I really need to focus on what makes me feel better.
It’s so easy, in this stressful time of my life, to be caught up with the unfortunate things in my everyday life.

But  I feel good about what I did this morning.
Drinking a cup of water was the very first thing I did after I got out of the bed.
I made a banana & kale smoothie for breakfast/lunch.
I did the short exercise routine twice while watching Foodnetwork channel.
I washed dishes.
I did 5 minute meditation.

So here I am.  I just came to Starbucks, hoping that I will be able to work on something academic
and will be able to make myself feel better.

with drinking vanilla bean frappechino…. lol

At least I left from the house.
At least I decided to open the laptop and start working something.
At least I just smiled at somebody I don’t know.

At least I am me today.

Small Starts

I read something like this in one of the blog post I came across yesterday.

“Actually getting started is the hardest part.”

I do agree with it, and yes, it is so hard for me to start something I don’t like.

It’s hard to get up from the bed and start the day.
It’s hard to just open the book that I need to read.
It’s hard to open the word file on my computer and start typing.

Everyday is filled with small starts.  and I am the one who must start these things.

So far….
I did get up from the bed even though I stayed in the bed until near noon.
I have not opened the books yet, but I decided to open the laptop and try other things that I can do academically.

so…. yup, it’s better than nothing, right?

I do believe that change won’t come in one day.
I do believe that it will take time for me to be confident about myself.

So today is another start for me to get closer to what I want to be.  Little by little.

Ok, let’s start another small step to what I need to make a progress on…..

 

Today is Mine

Still not feeling positive to be honest….  but it’s ok.

You know, this is my life.  I don’t want to feel like I “have to” do things so that people think that I am doing “good.”

So I decided to stay at home all day today.
I am not making excuses like it is raining outside.  Indeed, it is not raining outside.
Of course there are tons of study to do to make progress on “what I am supposed to be doing,”
but today, I decided that I will stay out of it.

I am watching cooking channel on TV…. I am eating whatever I wanna eat…
I would go take a nap if I want to.

I realized that if I start thinking about the schedule and time left for me to get certain things done,
I get overwhelmed so easily.
My body feels so stiff.  I feel so bad.  I feel so stressed out.  I feel like crying.  I feel like running away…

So, today, I am not going to think about the schedule.  There is always tomorrow.

I tried the meditation for 5 mins. Turning off everything and sat on the floor.
Just for 5 mins….
Honestly, I am not sure if it made anything better.  But hey, better than nothing right?

I said that I decided not to think about the schedule.  But I do have an appointment at 8 pm.
but by then, I will do whatever in my mind.

I don’t care it’s still Thursday.  I don’t care what time it is.

Yes, I don’t care what people think.

This is my day.  This is my time.  Today is mine.