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Making Small Changes

For these past few days,
I have been feeling that it is so hard for me to focus on MYSELF.

It might sound weird but this is the reality.

I am amazed that how much I have ignored myself since… I don’t know when.
Well, I guess this started especially when I began dating with the bf with two kids.
I am not really blaming him or anything.  I am the one who decided to have this relationship even though I knew that it’s not gonna be easy.
But after all, this relationship has made me comfortable with avoiding to face MY reality, what I am supposed to be doing, and the reason why I came to the United States.

I don’t regret past 2 years that I spent with taking care of my love.
But it is sad to see myself  having difficult times to spend time alone without thinking negatively.

I have been reading lots of articles to learn how to stay positive.
Most of the articles say that it is important to love myself….  and you know, it’s surprising that it is HARD for me to do so.

It’s not like I hate how I look so much or anything like that.
But I do not like how I stay in the negative thoughts for so long and think too much before taking actions.

3 days ago, I came across with this book called Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take 5 Minutes or Less written by S. J. Scott.

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The book introduces the numbers of small changes that you can make within 30 mins.
I chose 5-7 5 mins activities to do as habits for everyday.

Drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning.
Take deep breaths outside for 5 mins.
Read a positive/inspiring passage.
Meditate for 5 mins.
Think about today’s schedule for 5 mins.
Write journal/blog everyday.

And I should say, I have been doing good job for these past 3 days.
I have not been able to get much things done academically, but I don’t regret that too much.
I could feel a little change in my motivation this morning.

I was motivated enough to start the laundry.
I was motivated enough to clean the sink in the bathroom.
I was motivated enough to fold the clothes.

Let’s be honest.
I still feel lonely without my bf who is enjoying the road trip alone,
and the angry feeling comes up in my mind many times.
I still don’t feel like hanging out with friends because I feel that they will want me to talk about the academic life and judge me.

But I am not going to let myself to be in the dark feeling place too long.

I will keep making small changes in my life,
and one day, I will love myself more.

well, I have already made a first step
because I love myself more than I did yesterday!

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