“What do you fear?”

“What do you fear?”

This was the question that stopped me for a while yesterday.

I didn’t know how to answer for that question, and I still don’t know how to answer to it.
I guess it’s because I have not really thought about what I fear until now.

When you do something that nobody or not many people have done before you do,
there is no guideline and there is no understandings from other people.

I guess I fear that people will never understand what I am trying to show and express.
and then, I stopped….

What am I trying to show…?

It struck me.  How am I going to move forward strongly if I don’t know that.

Oftentimes, answers for these simple questions are needed to break the shell and see the new sky.
Hopefully, the day is coming for me soon.

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The importance of talking

I was reminded a few days ago that I am not good at telling anybody about who I am.
well… maybe more like I am not good at talking about my problems and at asking for help.

I tend to think that I should be strong and deal with my problems by myself.
But at the same time, once I start thinking about the problems, I think too much and don’t take actions to actually start solving them.

I get so quiet.
I get so irritated.

Then I say something that I don’t mean to say to somebody I love.

I am really thankful that I have somebody who is willing to just listen… or who WANTS to listen to me complaining.
As soon as I actually start talking about my problems, I feel my stress getting smaller.

I do hope that I won’t hold back whatever bothers me and will be able to communicate with my friends, bf, and family better.

I’m in the process, too

When I talked about what I said in the last blog post (about how we should have a right to choose whatever makes us happy for our lives) on Facebook,
one of my friend left a comment saying that as long as we are talking about this or actually mentioning about this,
we are still in process of realizing it and becoming a person who can actually make decisions for OURSELVES without being concerned about what other people think.

I wrote her back,
“Well, of course I am in the process, too.  And I am happy about it, because at least I know what I want to be and am expressing it,
and I am trying to become a better me.  At least, I know that I am moving forward.”

I can’t change myself instantly of course, and I often feel that I am staying at one place too long and tired of it.
But surely, something must be changing inside of me every day. Every moment.

So, I am in the process…. to become a better me always.

Choice for My Life

After several days of thinking,
I’ve come to the conclusion that we all should have a right to choose.

It’s YOUR life and YOU are the one who chooses whatever makes you happy for your life.

You can listen to other people’s opinions, but oftentimes, they make you confused about what you really want.
Listen to them, but think about them before saying “Ok, I will follow your advice” in order to figure out if they are really for your own good or they are just trying to control your mind.

I choose to be someone who strive to be the best for MYSELF and for MY life.

I am really tired of people who act like they are my friends and tell me what to do because they CARE about me.
But usually, they just want to tell me what THEY think what’s best for me.

Well…. what do they know about me…?
How much do they know what I really want for my life…?

Frankly saying, they don’t know anything.

So, you think that if I follow YOUR advice, I would make ME happy.
Fine, but what I think is that if I follow YOUR advice, that would only make YOU happy.

It’s kind of sad that people I thought that they are real friends to me have been acting like
it’s their job to LEAD me to a RIGHT way or something like that.

But please mind your own business.
Don’t worry. I got this.
I need to, well, I should be the one who controls my life and I will.

It’s been the summer filled with learning for sure.

But it’s a good thing
because I’m learning to choose to be happy for myself.

Cherish people who love you

Man…. there are people out there who can’t be happy about the fact that somebody cares and think about them.

I just sent a message to this person I know just to give her information that I thought it’s useful for her.
Then all I got from her was,

“I found your message so annoying.  Who do you think you are?  I thought you are a kind of person whom I wanna support,
but I am disappointed with you. Don’t even try to make an apology to me. I don’t wanna waste my time to your reply.”

 

What the….?!

 

I reread my message to her to check if I sounded rude or something, but I don’t think that I didn’t say anything offensive to her.
You know, when you are in the phase where you can’t be happy about anything and can’t help but acting like a stubborn one.
I do understand all of that.

But it’s just sad that you can’t be happy about people caring about you.

I won’t stay upset about this incident because, well, at least I don’t wanna be like that person who stays in the unhappiness.

I know I have people in my life who cares about me, and without them, I won’t be able to survive.

Cherish people who love you.

Actions and Changes: Goals for June

Wow…. it’s already June.

 

What did I do in May…? hmmm…. technically, I was excited that the summer break is finally here,

and became lazy…. slept until 10 or 11 all the time…. stayed in the house all day…

 

yeah… change is gotta come.

 

I’ve been watching Foodnetwork channel allllllllll day during the past week (well, because I love food and I am getting to like cooking too),

and one time, I had a deep thought.

 

Man, these people are trying so hard to show what they can do.

Cooking is an experiment oftentime (well, at least I believe so).

You try so many ways to get the particular flavor you want to get.

You put so many ingredients to achieve certain texture, color, flavor etc etc….

You never know what will work until you actually try it.

 

You know, when you watch these cooking battle shows where chefs attempt to cook great dishes within certain amount of time,

no matter what happens, they never stop and finish what they have started.

 

Really impressive, isn’t it?

 

And I thought, “wow, I wanna be like them.”

 

Well, of course, I wanna become a good cook like them literally,

but not only that.

I wanna be a person who actively takes actions all the time in order to achieve something.

 

Fortunately, I started doing inside exercises like stretching and Zumba during the past two weeks,

I am determined to continue that.

In terms of academic stuff, I really need to finish a major amount of readings done this month.

Seriously, this is not a joke.  I gotta keep pushing Ph.D. student button on more often.

 

Therefore, this month’s goals: Actions & Changes.

Yup, gotta make it happen.

It should be simpler than this

Sometimes, I get so annoyed by myself because I can’t be honest with my feeling.

It should be really simpler than this.

There’s no reason to try to make the person feel guilty about anything.

In my head, the honest me tells me to say how much I wish I were with the person at this moment.
But my mouth brings words that I don’t mean to say….

It should be really simpler than this.

Since when I was small,
I have been a kind of person who tries to be strong by myself.
I pretend like I am ok with being alone, I don’t need any help from anybody, people depend on me so I can’t show my weakness.

Really…. it should be simpler than this.
I should be happier than this.