Making Small Changes

For these past few days,
I have been feeling that it is so hard for me to focus on MYSELF.

It might sound weird but this is the reality.

I am amazed that how much I have ignored myself since… I don’t know when.
Well, I guess this started especially when I began dating with the bf with two kids.
I am not really blaming him or anything.  I am the one who decided to have this relationship even though I knew that it’s not gonna be easy.
But after all, this relationship has made me comfortable with avoiding to face MY reality, what I am supposed to be doing, and the reason why I came to the United States.

I don’t regret past 2 years that I spent with taking care of my love.
But it is sad to see myself  having difficult times to spend time alone without thinking negatively.

I have been reading lots of articles to learn how to stay positive.
Most of the articles say that it is important to love myself….  and you know, it’s surprising that it is HARD for me to do so.

It’s not like I hate how I look so much or anything like that.
But I do not like how I stay in the negative thoughts for so long and think too much before taking actions.

3 days ago, I came across with this book called Habit Stacking: 97 Small Life Changes That Take 5 Minutes or Less written by S. J. Scott.

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The book introduces the numbers of small changes that you can make within 30 mins.
I chose 5-7 5 mins activities to do as habits for everyday.

Drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning.
Take deep breaths outside for 5 mins.
Read a positive/inspiring passage.
Meditate for 5 mins.
Think about today’s schedule for 5 mins.
Write journal/blog everyday.

And I should say, I have been doing good job for these past 3 days.
I have not been able to get much things done academically, but I don’t regret that too much.
I could feel a little change in my motivation this morning.

I was motivated enough to start the laundry.
I was motivated enough to clean the sink in the bathroom.
I was motivated enough to fold the clothes.

Let’s be honest.
I still feel lonely without my bf who is enjoying the road trip alone,
and the angry feeling comes up in my mind many times.
I still don’t feel like hanging out with friends because I feel that they will want me to talk about the academic life and judge me.

But I am not going to let myself to be in the dark feeling place too long.

I will keep making small changes in my life,
and one day, I will love myself more.

well, I have already made a first step
because I love myself more than I did yesterday!

At Least

What I am feeling this afternoon….. hmmmm….

I couldn’t sleep again last night.  Well at least right away.
I tried not to have negative emotions and feelings in my head because I know that these thoughts will prevent me from sleeping well.
Did I succeed? well, I am not sure about that.

I felt like everybody else is having a great summer.
I felt like nobody cares about me being in a bad mood and struggling.

Then again, nobody is living their life FOR ME.
There is no way that they ALWAYS think about me.  Literally ALWAYS. no way.

I felt upset about the fact that my bf is having a blast on the road trip with his motorcycle.
I always try to find something that I can be upset about, and obviously that’s not a good habit.

I really need to focus on what makes me feel better.
It’s so easy, in this stressful time of my life, to be caught up with the unfortunate things in my everyday life.

But  I feel good about what I did this morning.
Drinking a cup of water was the very first thing I did after I got out of the bed.
I made a banana & kale smoothie for breakfast/lunch.
I did the short exercise routine twice while watching Foodnetwork channel.
I washed dishes.
I did 5 minute meditation.

So here I am.  I just came to Starbucks, hoping that I will be able to work on something academic
and will be able to make myself feel better.

with drinking vanilla bean frappechino…. lol

At least I left from the house.
At least I decided to open the laptop and start working something.
At least I just smiled at somebody I don’t know.

At least I am me today.

Small Starts

I read something like this in one of the blog post I came across yesterday.

“Actually getting started is the hardest part.”

I do agree with it, and yes, it is so hard for me to start something I don’t like.

It’s hard to get up from the bed and start the day.
It’s hard to just open the book that I need to read.
It’s hard to open the word file on my computer and start typing.

Everyday is filled with small starts.  and I am the one who must start these things.

So far….
I did get up from the bed even though I stayed in the bed until near noon.
I have not opened the books yet, but I decided to open the laptop and try other things that I can do academically.

so…. yup, it’s better than nothing, right?

I do believe that change won’t come in one day.
I do believe that it will take time for me to be confident about myself.

So today is another start for me to get closer to what I want to be.  Little by little.

Ok, let’s start another small step to what I need to make a progress on…..

 

Today is Mine

Still not feeling positive to be honest….  but it’s ok.

You know, this is my life.  I don’t want to feel like I “have to” do things so that people think that I am doing “good.”

So I decided to stay at home all day today.
I am not making excuses like it is raining outside.  Indeed, it is not raining outside.
Of course there are tons of study to do to make progress on “what I am supposed to be doing,”
but today, I decided that I will stay out of it.

I am watching cooking channel on TV…. I am eating whatever I wanna eat…
I would go take a nap if I want to.

I realized that if I start thinking about the schedule and time left for me to get certain things done,
I get overwhelmed so easily.
My body feels so stiff.  I feel so bad.  I feel so stressed out.  I feel like crying.  I feel like running away…

So, today, I am not going to think about the schedule.  There is always tomorrow.

I tried the meditation for 5 mins. Turning off everything and sat on the floor.
Just for 5 mins….
Honestly, I am not sure if it made anything better.  But hey, better than nothing right?

I said that I decided not to think about the schedule.  But I do have an appointment at 8 pm.
but by then, I will do whatever in my mind.

I don’t care it’s still Thursday.  I don’t care what time it is.

Yes, I don’t care what people think.

This is my day.  This is my time.  Today is mine.

ok… I feel a little bit better.

Crying is good.  I feel a little bit better.
Being honest with my feeling is good.  I feel a little bit better.

I never thought that being me hurts this much.  Or I should say that I never thought that pretending that I am ok hurts this much.

I admit that I tend to avoid facing the reality.  I admit that I tend to avoid considering what the causes of the issues are.
I admit that I tend to avoid thinking about what “I” want.  I admit that I tend to avoid the things I don’t like to do.

So, here I am.  Facing the time of trials.

It’s not really anybody’s fault, but mine.  Well, at some point in my life (I don’t know when it was), I must have felt that it is comfortable to do these things that I tend to avoid.

I know that I don’t need to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
It’s just that I grew up in the environment where everybody think that I am the smart one and I can do anything.
So it’s just hard for me to experience the struggle ALL THE TIME in my life right now.

Yup. It’s an excuse again…. blaming “the environment” for my failure.

I have heard/read that if I can change myself, the environment doesn’t matter.
If I choose to be happy, I can be happy.
If I choose to be upset about everything, the life stays bad.

I wish that it is easy for me to choose to be happy or think positively.
I thought that trying to get some helps from other people could be the first step, but I can’t feel that things are getting better.

But yeah, it is true that things won’t change at once.  It takes time to see real change and I am the one who should be constantly trying to make things better.

My brain just stops when I feel like I need to sound smart.
I felt so overwhelmed among the people who seem like they love studying and know everything.
I know I know… they say “oh there’s no way that I know EVERYTHING.”  right… but you know better than me.

How can I overcome this “being-not-confident” thing?
How can I love myself more?
How can I be confident enough to say “YES! I AM DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO!” (well… first of all, I do feel that I am not doing what I love to do…. lol)

I guess I should try to see if I can feel that what I am studying is FOR MYSELF.
I should try to see if I can feel like I am not doing this to prove something to other people.

I should try to see if I can focus more on myself and if I can improve MYSELF little by little each day.

ok…. I feel a little bit better.

I will stop.

I just decided…

I will stop doing what people don’t like me to do it.

I will stop caring about the things they don’t want me to care.
I will stop thinking that “oh, I should do this for him/her so that things will go smoothly” because someone has told me that I am making up in my head that that will help that person.

I will stop wanting or expecting the things that I know that I can’t have anyway.

I will stop trying to ask people to understand my emotions because someone has told me that it’s wrong of me to bring my emotions to someone innocent.

I will stop feeling like I need to care about the person all the time because he told me that caring about him bothers him.

So there.
I will stop.

Bad cycle

When did I become a person with negative mind…?

It seems like having negative thoughts have caused me so much pain lately.
Yes, I have acknowledged that I have negative thoughts.  But why can’t I solve the problem if I know the cause?

Well… simply… it is not easy.

I am kind of person who thinks too much in the first place.
I’ve read an article about how to stay positive, and one of the things they recommend is not to dwell in the negative thought.
They say “Just focus on the tasks you really need to take care of at this moment.”  well… easier said than done, really.

Lately, most of the time, I feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to.
My bf wants to spend time alone because it seems like he believes that I am preventing him from achieving spiritual fulfillment in his life.  How sad is that….?
So I don’t look forward to talking with him.  I don’t look forward to reading what he says on facebook.

I don’t look forward to sitting down at the table, opening the books that I need to read for study, and taking notes.
I don’t feel that this is what I want to do. But at the same time, I feel that I should finish whatever I started.
My mind doesn’t stay on the pages.  It just goes to the dark room in my head filled with negative and angry thoughts.

This bad cycle is killing me.

I guess I should start taking actions to go back to a positive me.