Do not avoid feeling your feelings

I had another big fight with my boyfriend the other day.
After yelling at him for some time, he told me this:

“You are afraid of having feelings.
It is easier to get mad and upset than dealing with the feelings.
You just have feelings.  You should not avoid feeling them.
Say what you are feeling.  Do not avoid facing them by getting angry and yelling at me.”

That struck me really good.

I couldn’t say anything back to him.
I just sat on the floor and thought about what he said.

The reason why I got upset this time is that I felt uncomfortable with not being about to express what I want.
He just told me to go to sleep, and he was doing some research on his laptop as usual.
I was laying down next to him, and I don’t know why, but I felt so angry.

So I just jumped off from the bed.

Then yelling started.

Of course I don’t like yelling at him.  I don’t like having arguments.
But this time, I really felt like I gotta fix this.

I still don’t know what “dealing with feelings” mean clearly.
I feel my feelings, but I don’t know how to deal with them.

But I will try to communicate my feelings with him better.
I will practice expressing what I want better.

Still lots to learn, I guess.

ok… I feel a little bit better.

Crying is good.  I feel a little bit better.
Being honest with my feeling is good.  I feel a little bit better.

I never thought that being me hurts this much.  Or I should say that I never thought that pretending that I am ok hurts this much.

I admit that I tend to avoid facing the reality.  I admit that I tend to avoid considering what the causes of the issues are.
I admit that I tend to avoid thinking about what “I” want.  I admit that I tend to avoid the things I don’t like to do.

So, here I am.  Facing the time of trials.

It’s not really anybody’s fault, but mine.  Well, at some point in my life (I don’t know when it was), I must have felt that it is comfortable to do these things that I tend to avoid.

I know that I don’t need to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
It’s just that I grew up in the environment where everybody think that I am the smart one and I can do anything.
So it’s just hard for me to experience the struggle ALL THE TIME in my life right now.

Yup. It’s an excuse again…. blaming “the environment” for my failure.

I have heard/read that if I can change myself, the environment doesn’t matter.
If I choose to be happy, I can be happy.
If I choose to be upset about everything, the life stays bad.

I wish that it is easy for me to choose to be happy or think positively.
I thought that trying to get some helps from other people could be the first step, but I can’t feel that things are getting better.

But yeah, it is true that things won’t change at once.  It takes time to see real change and I am the one who should be constantly trying to make things better.

My brain just stops when I feel like I need to sound smart.
I felt so overwhelmed among the people who seem like they love studying and know everything.
I know I know… they say “oh there’s no way that I know EVERYTHING.”  right… but you know better than me.

How can I overcome this “being-not-confident” thing?
How can I love myself more?
How can I be confident enough to say “YES! I AM DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO!” (well… first of all, I do feel that I am not doing what I love to do…. lol)

I guess I should try to see if I can feel that what I am studying is FOR MYSELF.
I should try to see if I can feel like I am not doing this to prove something to other people.

I should try to see if I can focus more on myself and if I can improve MYSELF little by little each day.

ok…. I feel a little bit better.