I Gotta Live for Myself

I’ve learned another thing about myself today.

I just looooooove getting attentions from people.
From friends, family, teachers, and bf… yeah from anybody really.

It’s really easy to see come to think of it.

The reason why I post anything on Facebook–> to get attention from people and want them to “care” about me.
The reason why I feel upset and sad when my bf tells me he wants to be alone–> because I can’t get enough attention from him and will feel alone.
The reason why I am not motivated to study–> because I feel like I am abounded by professors.

All these things…. how sad is that!?

I mean, I feel sad that I have been living to get all these attentions from people.
This means that I am not independent, I don’t love myself in the way I should, and I can’t satisfy myself without having anybody…

How sad is that….?!

Well…. again, I may be writing this to get attention from somebody.
But really…. I gotta change this part of me to be happier….
I really want to.

This will not be easy. And this will make me sad and cry.
But I really need to become independent in a real sence.

I can’t keep living by wanting the attentions from people.
People come and go.
I really gotta live for myself.

At Least

What I am feeling this afternoon….. hmmmm….

I couldn’t sleep again last night.  Well at least right away.
I tried not to have negative emotions and feelings in my head because I know that these thoughts will prevent me from sleeping well.
Did I succeed? well, I am not sure about that.

I felt like everybody else is having a great summer.
I felt like nobody cares about me being in a bad mood and struggling.

Then again, nobody is living their life FOR ME.
There is no way that they ALWAYS think about me.  Literally ALWAYS. no way.

I felt upset about the fact that my bf is having a blast on the road trip with his motorcycle.
I always try to find something that I can be upset about, and obviously that’s not a good habit.

I really need to focus on what makes me feel better.
It’s so easy, in this stressful time of my life, to be caught up with the unfortunate things in my everyday life.

But  I feel good about what I did this morning.
Drinking a cup of water was the very first thing I did after I got out of the bed.
I made a banana & kale smoothie for breakfast/lunch.
I did the short exercise routine twice while watching Foodnetwork channel.
I washed dishes.
I did 5 minute meditation.

So here I am.  I just came to Starbucks, hoping that I will be able to work on something academic
and will be able to make myself feel better.

with drinking vanilla bean frappechino…. lol

At least I left from the house.
At least I decided to open the laptop and start working something.
At least I just smiled at somebody I don’t know.

At least I am me today.

ok… I feel a little bit better.

Crying is good.  I feel a little bit better.
Being honest with my feeling is good.  I feel a little bit better.

I never thought that being me hurts this much.  Or I should say that I never thought that pretending that I am ok hurts this much.

I admit that I tend to avoid facing the reality.  I admit that I tend to avoid considering what the causes of the issues are.
I admit that I tend to avoid thinking about what “I” want.  I admit that I tend to avoid the things I don’t like to do.

So, here I am.  Facing the time of trials.

It’s not really anybody’s fault, but mine.  Well, at some point in my life (I don’t know when it was), I must have felt that it is comfortable to do these things that I tend to avoid.

I know that I don’t need to be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
It’s just that I grew up in the environment where everybody think that I am the smart one and I can do anything.
So it’s just hard for me to experience the struggle ALL THE TIME in my life right now.

Yup. It’s an excuse again…. blaming “the environment” for my failure.

I have heard/read that if I can change myself, the environment doesn’t matter.
If I choose to be happy, I can be happy.
If I choose to be upset about everything, the life stays bad.

I wish that it is easy for me to choose to be happy or think positively.
I thought that trying to get some helps from other people could be the first step, but I can’t feel that things are getting better.

But yeah, it is true that things won’t change at once.  It takes time to see real change and I am the one who should be constantly trying to make things better.

My brain just stops when I feel like I need to sound smart.
I felt so overwhelmed among the people who seem like they love studying and know everything.
I know I know… they say “oh there’s no way that I know EVERYTHING.”  right… but you know better than me.

How can I overcome this “being-not-confident” thing?
How can I love myself more?
How can I be confident enough to say “YES! I AM DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO!” (well… first of all, I do feel that I am not doing what I love to do…. lol)

I guess I should try to see if I can feel that what I am studying is FOR MYSELF.
I should try to see if I can feel like I am not doing this to prove something to other people.

I should try to see if I can focus more on myself and if I can improve MYSELF little by little each day.

ok…. I feel a little bit better.

Choice for My Life

After several days of thinking,
I’ve come to the conclusion that we all should have a right to choose.

It’s YOUR life and YOU are the one who chooses whatever makes you happy for your life.

You can listen to other people’s opinions, but oftentimes, they make you confused about what you really want.
Listen to them, but think about them before saying “Ok, I will follow your advice” in order to figure out if they are really for your own good or they are just trying to control your mind.

I choose to be someone who strive to be the best for MYSELF and for MY life.

I am really tired of people who act like they are my friends and tell me what to do because they CARE about me.
But usually, they just want to tell me what THEY think what’s best for me.

Well…. what do they know about me…?
How much do they know what I really want for my life…?

Frankly saying, they don’t know anything.

So, you think that if I follow YOUR advice, I would make ME happy.
Fine, but what I think is that if I follow YOUR advice, that would only make YOU happy.

It’s kind of sad that people I thought that they are real friends to me have been acting like
it’s their job to LEAD me to a RIGHT way or something like that.

But please mind your own business.
Don’t worry. I got this.
I need to, well, I should be the one who controls my life and I will.

It’s been the summer filled with learning for sure.

But it’s a good thing
because I’m learning to choose to be happy for myself.

Thoughts from thinking-too-much phase

Sometimes, my mind suddenly becomes aware,

and it tells me what I should do or what I imagine I should do for the situation.

 

It may tell me something that I don’t want to admit,

or that I won’t particularly like to do,

but my mind starts trying to make me believe that it’s a right thing to do.

 

Then,

I begin to make things more complicated or difficult

since, I guess, I have been that way since I was small.

 

Sometime, I think I am not good at being or staying happy.

But at the same time, I believe that I always put myself into the situation where I know it’s not gonna work

but I want to believe that it would work…

 

But the reality is what it is.

At the end, you can’t change what you can’t change.

 

Here I am. Woke up at 3 AM.

With no reason. Typing these words.

 

I am not upset with anybody.

I am just upset with myself.

For being like this for so long.

 

When will I be able to stop doing this?

When will I be able to stop thinking too much?

 

I don’t know.

 

but one thing….

I am honest with myself.