I Gotta Live for Myself

I’ve learned another thing about myself today.

I just looooooove getting attentions from people.
From friends, family, teachers, and bf… yeah from anybody really.

It’s really easy to see come to think of it.

The reason why I post anything on Facebook–> to get attention from people and want them to “care” about me.
The reason why I feel upset and sad when my bf tells me he wants to be alone–> because I can’t get enough attention from him and will feel alone.
The reason why I am not motivated to study–> because I feel like I am abounded by professors.

All these things…. how sad is that!?

I mean, I feel sad that I have been living to get all these attentions from people.
This means that I am not independent, I don’t love myself in the way I should, and I can’t satisfy myself without having anybody…

How sad is that….?!

Well…. again, I may be writing this to get attention from somebody.
But really…. I gotta change this part of me to be happier….
I really want to.

This will not be easy. And this will make me sad and cry.
But I really need to become independent in a real sence.

I can’t keep living by wanting the attentions from people.
People come and go.
I really gotta live for myself.

Thoughts from thinking-too-much phase

Sometimes, my mind suddenly becomes aware,

and it tells me what I should do or what I imagine I should do for the situation.

 

It may tell me something that I don’t want to admit,

or that I won’t particularly like to do,

but my mind starts trying to make me believe that it’s a right thing to do.

 

Then,

I begin to make things more complicated or difficult

since, I guess, I have been that way since I was small.

 

Sometime, I think I am not good at being or staying happy.

But at the same time, I believe that I always put myself into the situation where I know it’s not gonna work

but I want to believe that it would work…

 

But the reality is what it is.

At the end, you can’t change what you can’t change.

 

Here I am. Woke up at 3 AM.

With no reason. Typing these words.

 

I am not upset with anybody.

I am just upset with myself.

For being like this for so long.

 

When will I be able to stop doing this?

When will I be able to stop thinking too much?

 

I don’t know.

 

but one thing….

I am honest with myself.