Time to go.

There are so many things that I can do if I am not with this person.
If you started feeling like that,
That should be the time when you should leave.

If you are not satisfied and feel like controlling the person,
Then that’s the time when you should leave.

If you feel lonely even though you are next to that person,
Then that’s the time when you should leave.

If the person tells you that you gonna lose that person,
Then that’s the time when you should go.

If the person say he/she doesn’t care even though you cry in front of the person,
Then that’s the time when you should go.

If you need to wait so long for the good timing to talk with the person,
Then that’s the time when you should go.

If the person tell you that he/she doesn’t care about what you want,
Then that’s the time when you should leave.

If the person says that he/she cares about you but you need to try so hard to feel it,
Then that’s the time when you should go.

Well I guess I gotta go.

If we are both right…

I’ve been shut down so many times.
And he blames me for being afraid to express my feeling.

According to him,
every time I open my mouth,
I say something that I made up.

After hearing him saying that so many times,
how come can I feel free to express my feelings?

If we both already know that this relationship is not going to work,
why can’t we move on?
why do we keep having the arguments that do not have the ending?

We are both right about what we are feeling,
then why can’t we agree that we have different way of thinking?

We are both right about what the other person has done,
then why can’t we agree that we have different value?

and move on….?

But yet….

So…. it is important to express my feelings and emotions to someone I love.
Yes… I get it. but what is the point of expressing it even though I already know that the expression doesn’t change anything or make things better…?

This is the feeling I have had so many times.
But yet, if I chose not to express because I care, it is judged as a failure on communication and my lack of ability to express or face my emotions and feelings.

And here I am, trying not to shed tears even though I am extremely disappointed and sad.

It is said that if you really want something,
you should visualize it and work hard for it, then eventually you will get what you want.
Honestly, I don’t know about that at this moment…

Man, I was doing better on staying positive.
but yet, here I am, repeating this emotional fight in my head over and over again.

Do not avoid feeling your feelings

I had another big fight with my boyfriend the other day.
After yelling at him for some time, he told me this:

“You are afraid of having feelings.
It is easier to get mad and upset than dealing with the feelings.
You just have feelings.  You should not avoid feeling them.
Say what you are feeling.  Do not avoid facing them by getting angry and yelling at me.”

That struck me really good.

I couldn’t say anything back to him.
I just sat on the floor and thought about what he said.

The reason why I got upset this time is that I felt uncomfortable with not being about to express what I want.
He just told me to go to sleep, and he was doing some research on his laptop as usual.
I was laying down next to him, and I don’t know why, but I felt so angry.

So I just jumped off from the bed.

Then yelling started.

Of course I don’t like yelling at him.  I don’t like having arguments.
But this time, I really felt like I gotta fix this.

I still don’t know what “dealing with feelings” mean clearly.
I feel my feelings, but I don’t know how to deal with them.

But I will try to communicate my feelings with him better.
I will practice expressing what I want better.

Still lots to learn, I guess.

I Gotta Live for Myself

I’ve learned another thing about myself today.

I just looooooove getting attentions from people.
From friends, family, teachers, and bf… yeah from anybody really.

It’s really easy to see come to think of it.

The reason why I post anything on Facebook–> to get attention from people and want them to “care” about me.
The reason why I feel upset and sad when my bf tells me he wants to be alone–> because I can’t get enough attention from him and will feel alone.
The reason why I am not motivated to study–> because I feel like I am abounded by professors.

All these things…. how sad is that!?

I mean, I feel sad that I have been living to get all these attentions from people.
This means that I am not independent, I don’t love myself in the way I should, and I can’t satisfy myself without having anybody…

How sad is that….?!

Well…. again, I may be writing this to get attention from somebody.
But really…. I gotta change this part of me to be happier….
I really want to.

This will not be easy. And this will make me sad and cry.
But I really need to become independent in a real sence.

I can’t keep living by wanting the attentions from people.
People come and go.
I really gotta live for myself.

Live in the moment

I came across this quote today.

“Throw away all ambition beyond that of doing the day’s work well.  The travelers on the road to success live in the present, heedless of taking thought for the morrow.  Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day’s work absorb your entire energies.”

William Osler

Come to think of it, a lot of amount of my day is spent by thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering “what if” for tomorrow.

I have started to feel that it’s such a waste of time and energy.

“What can I do NOW?” is the question I didn’t think about much before,
but it really gives me a different perspective.

My bf is also the one who made me think about the similar key to live the life.
He has been on the road with his motorcycle for about a week right now, and he has enjoyed the beautiful nature outside.
Although he has a lot of things to think about and figure out for the future, I believe that it is important for him not to forget to live for the moment, too.

I don’t want to say/think that I am gonna pay for this if I live for the moment without thinking about what I am supposed to be doing now.
If you feel like you are ALWAYS trying to meet other people’s expectations towards your work,
you gonna get exhausted and lose your energy and motivation.

So I will refuse to do that.  At least while I can….. lol

Ok, let’s try to live in the moment today.  Will you join me?

Made a mistake, but I took care of it

Today started in good ways.

I got up earlier than usual.
I ate breakfast.
I started taking actions before thinking too much….

Then I came to do the grass cutting that I have been doing for my boss to make some money for summer.

Then…. I locked myself out from her house….  sigh…

Well I didn’t get panicked actually.
I just looked up the locksmith online and called.

20 mins until the locksmith will come help.
So… I continued cutting grass.  And done.

The locksmith came. I ended up paying $40…. sigh….

This is life.

But I am not dying.
I figured out what to do without being upset too much and crying about it.

Yup this $40 is not good for my finance right now but oh well, better than spend days outside.

I took care of it. And I am thankful that I could.